I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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