I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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