I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is it because I queefed?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
