I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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