I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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