Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
