He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
