apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
