The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
