Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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