Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
