During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
