Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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