When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
