I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Let's get the cat blown out
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
