now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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