we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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