i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
two words: eviction party
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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