When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
