My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
