I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
