note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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