I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
