loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
