I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
