I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
