you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
