My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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