I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
