Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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