so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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