Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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