Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
