This is not my ceiling
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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