did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I wear drunk well.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Randomize
