I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
