3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
