Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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