hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
