I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
