im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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