Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
