If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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