I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
