Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
