I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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