i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize