"it" just moved
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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