dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
