I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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