My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
