Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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