My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
