I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I will be naked everywhere
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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