Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
