I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize