Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
