I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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