Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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