I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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