There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
