I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
